Host Winds! I’m fed up with hosting sites that list their prices and shit in such confusing tiers and brackets that it might as well be in hieroglyphics. Few things will make a customer angrier than a much higher charge to their account than what they were expecting. One of the few things worse would probably be going chlamydia from a busty prostitute that you decided to raw dog. But, still, those higher charges can get me fucking fuming. Internet companies love to do that shit. I don’t need another provider hopping on that train.

If you’re looking for a simple hosting site with straightforward packages and plans, then you’ll want to ride along and take a look at They’ve been a steady, reliable source for hosting solutions big and small since 2010. They’ve got a decade of experience and promise not just a 99.99% uptime across all of their plans, but they crank that shit up and promise a 99.9999% uptime. Fuck, talk about taking every last step to be just that literal fraction better than the competition. But, honestly, I have no idea how you’d even go about testing that claim.

Get Backed by a Site that Promises 99.9999% Uptime
On top of that uptime promise, the team at Hostwinds offers up a friendliness guarantee. They promise to go the extra mile and make sure that your shit is set up the way it needs to be. Oh, and you can call them whenever the fuck you want. Give them a ring when you’re done fapping at 3 am and have that post-nut clarity if that’s what you need to get deep into the technical details.

If you’re someone who cares about pedigree, then you’ll be pleased to hear that they won a bunch of rewards in 2018 for their hosting services. I should start giving out trophies and medals to sluts that I fuck. You know, shit like “best blowjob” or “least bitchy.” Anyway, let’s get to the plans they offer. The first one that you’ll see is advertised right there on the front page. It’s their cheapest, most basic shared hosting plan. You get a domain, unlimited bandwidth, and as much disk space as you want for your fetish clips.

Get a Shared Hosting Plan with 24/7/365 Customer Support for Cheap
That plan will run you $3.29 a month. There aren’t any catches. No extended contracts. No bullshit. You can sign up and get your blog or site running in no time at all. They have some more premium shared hosting and business hosting plans that go up to $7.99 a month at their most expensive. Shit. These are some damn good deals. That $7.99 plan gets you unlimited everything and hosts your site on a lightning-fast machine. Some websites would charge gullible or newbie fucks twice, if not triple that number!

Enjoy Fully Managed or Unmanaged Windows & Linux VPS Packages
But maybe you need a little something more. That plain, slender dildo just isn’t girthy enough to make you feel anything anymore. You’ve outgrown it and need something that will fill your needs. You’ll want to check out their VPS plans, but these aren’t just any normal plans. They offer unmanaged or fully managed Windows and Linux plans. If you’re a mega-nerd who codes shit and runs scripts, then you’ll be able to take control of your server and do whatever the fuck you want with it.

A managed server pairs you up with a team of neckbeards who will make sure that shit is running squeaky clean. But it’s strange. The cheaper options at the lower $5-$50 a month price points are the unmanaged servers, which is what I expected. But the managed servers end up being nearly $100 cheaper than the unmanaged variety with the very same statistics and hardware! That’s insane! And they have plans for massive and small sites alike with up to 9TB of bandwidth, 96GB of RAM, a 16 core CPU, and 750GB of SSD storage.

Lots of Room to Grow with Fully Customizable Dedicated Servers
I know there are some of you fucks out there scoffing at those baby numbers. You’re the kind of alpha porn giant who needs a dedicated server to handle your sites. Well, Hostwinds has got you covered. They have some pre-packaged servers, but the fun comes in building your own from the ground up. You can make use of their part selector to build the perfect server for your needs. These range from $90 a month all of the way up to a staggering $1,070 for you big boys in need of a hulking beast of a machine. Each server will let you toggle storage, CPU type, bandwidth metering, operating system, and all of that good shit.

Sometimes it’s the small details that make the difference. This site backs up your data every single night and will retain it as long as you see fit. They monitor your server 24/7 to make sure you’re not falling prey to any malware or attacks. Despite having fully managed options, nearly every server option comes with a control panel that lets you fuck around with IPMI access and VNC/KVM controls. If you don’t know what the fuck that means, then you probably won’t need to go in on any of their crazy dedicated server packages.

Grab an SSL Certificate to Protect Your Site from Attacks
If you simply need a little extra layer of security, then you should consider dishing out $75 a month for a quality SSL certificate. Essentially, it acts as a giant condom for your site. It keeps all of the nasty attacks and malware at bay while making sure your site keeps chugging along. It also makes your site easier to find via improved SEO! That sounds like a fucking win-win to me.

If you’re in the market for a cloud-based hosting solution, then you can make use of nearly a dozen different instant installation packages. But, well, I don’t get why they priced it by the hour. They range from $0.006931/hr to $0.456931/hr. Fucking hell. Everything else here is laid out so simply and then they hit you with this puzzle. Most sites tend to give you a monthly rate instead of this nonsense.

Pornwebmaster’s Favorite Features
You know, there’s nothing crazy about Hostwinds. They don’t hit you with any strange gimmicks, insane packages, or try to sell you on shit that doesn’t matter. They know that their content is going to sell itself. They present their packages in plain terms that even the most tech-illiterate cucks could understand. You know what you’re getting and how much it’s going to cost as soon as you add that deal to your cart.

And deals they are! The low prices for what you get are insane. I haven’t seen deals this good from a quality hosting site without you having to pay for years of service before. That $3.39 a month hosting plan is so goddamn solid. Any of you with a personal site, blog, or fetish gear store should consider signing up for that shit right now.

Pornwebmaster’s Suggestions
Well, one small suggestion would be to take a second look at their managed vs unmanaged rates. There’s got to be some sort of error or something I’m missing there. If not, then get your asses over there and take advantage of their top tier managed servers because they are cheap as fuck compared to their managed solutions. Oh, and their pricing for their cloud services is strange. Other than that, I don’t have much negative to say about this site at all. They present and deliver all of their packages just how I would expect them to.

Pornwebmaster’s Final Thoughts
Overall, has got you covered no matter how small or massive your project, site, store, blog, or company is. From piddling porn blogs about hair armpits all of the way to VR choose-your-own-adventure porn sites, they’ll have the perfect hosting solution for you. Check out their cheap shared hosting and cloud plans for your personal projects. Or you can take a peek at their VPS and dedicated server options if you’ve got a set of sites in need of some real horsepower. I highly recommend you check this site out for the simplicity and ease of browsing. There aren’t any catches, contracts, or confusing payment options here.

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