Tonic is the official website of the Tonga Information Center. They’re here to offer you the opportunity to have as many websites as y...


It’s time to talk about one of the smallest websites I have ever seen in my entire fucking life. You know you’ve entered the grey area of the internet when the website you’re on looks like it was spat out of the 90s, but it’s clearly performing great and making mad money. First up, let’s talk about Tonga. Have you heard about Tonga? It used to be a British colony, but for half a century now, they’re an independent country in the middle of nowhere. They’re on the edge of the map, to the right of New Zealand. They’re an island nation and their biggest city is about the size of a shopping mall.

But, that’s not important. What is important is their stance on DMCA – they don’t have one. They don’t give a flying fuck about DMCA. Chances are, they haven’t even heard of it. This is what makes them a prime location for your offshore domain needs. They’re basically bulletproof, because they’re so remote they might as well be invisible. There’s literally no better way to fly under the radar. Their subdomain is “.to”, for Tonga, duh. Now, let’s talk about Tonic. Who is Tonic? No-one important really. They’re just a domain registering service for Tonga. That’s about the short and skimmy of it. Do you really need to hear more?

The Pricing
Usually, I leave this kind of shit last, but seeing how this entire site could be reviewed in a single screenshot, I feel hard-pressed to get to the fucking point. So, here you go fuckers. It costs $100. You get your brand new Tonga domain for $100, for two years. There’s a huge discount if you reserve the domain for 100 years. That’s only going to cost you $2500. Your ownership of the domain would expire after you die. Now that’s an offer you can’t refuse. Look, they’ve got tiers. You can get a domain for 2, 3, 5, 10, 25 and 100 years. The prices get better, starting from $50 to $25 a year, depending on the tier. That about covers the payment.

Unfortunately, you’ll have to pay directly using your credit card and they do not have any kind of safe payment gateway. You literally have to enter your damn credit card information into a text field. Who the fuck knows where it might end up. This is not inspiring confidence. That being said, I haven’t exactly heard about anyone getting scammed by Tonic, so they’re probably safe, right? I ‘m sorry, but I can’t give you more assurance than that. I guess that’s the price you pay for buying a domain name that’s located entirely on an island in the middle of nowhere. Still, even if you get robbed, that’s better than getting DMCA struck. Fuck DMCA, am I right? Just to be crystal clear – I am not encouraging you to try and break DMCA terms. I’m just pointing out that Tonga’s register ignores DMCA. That’s their decision, their problem and their responsibility.

Yes, there are many alternative sites for purchasing a Tonga domain, but Tonic claims to be the country's official national DNS registration authority. Apparently, they’ve been at it since 1995. As far as I can tell, that’s also the last time they updated their website design. I apologize for the cheap shots, but it’s just so fucking easy. Their site looks like dog shit. That being said, there’s no bullshit on the site and I can appreciate that. I really wouldn’t trust a domain registry site if it had ads on it.

I should also note that there’s an alternative way to pay if you want to protect your credit card information. They accept checks. Check their FAQ for more information. Actually, check out their FAQ in general. Most of the important information is listed there, including the fact that San Quentin is not only a prison in the US, it’s also a tiny village in California where you can mail your check. They have a sense of humor on this site.

Setting Up Your Site
They have a ton of information under the FAQ that pretty much outlines the standard practices for migrating your DNS information properly. You’ll need to purchase hosting separately. As far as I can tell, they’re not offering any hosting solutions. That’s fine. You’re here for the cool and untouchable domain after all. Go through the FAQ, check out the domain information and talk to your host, whoever they are. Fill in all the fields, process payment and you’ll be on your way in no time.

If you’re going to be paying by check, you’ll have to wait for the payment to clear before you gain access to your new domain. Other than that, I don’t really have any other warnings for you. These Tonic guys really seem to know their stuff. I mean, they’ve been in business since the 90s. Personally, I’ve seen a lot of Tonga sub-domain having sites around the web. A lot of them deal in pornography. I guess the value of being untouchable isn’t lost on a lot of webmasters out there.

I don’t know whether the Tonga sub-domain popularity is directly related to the fact that they’re in a DMCA grey zone. But, one thing is sure – webmasters like off-shore domains. I guess there’s just less hassle when you’re so far away from the grubby hands of the western world’s capitalist grip. Wow, I sounded like a commie just then. Sorry about that. I’m just a chronic masturbator. I don’t care about politics.

Choosing Hosting
I don’t want to go into direct recommendations under this review. I have entire sections devoted to hosting on this site, so check those out for their respective pros and cons. Suffice it to say that you should probably just get an off-shore hosting solution to go with your Tonga domain. This has nothing to do with DMCA specifically; I just think that if you’re going to be going for the hassle-free approach, you should probably just go all the way. What’s the point of having a Tonga domain if you’re going to host your site out of your basement? I guess you could do that though, as long as you bounce your traffic through a bunch of proxies.

The best part of having a Tonga domain, as far as I can tell, is that they are not subject to WhoIs lookups like damn near every other domain registry. Apparently, people consider this an invasion of privacy. Yeah, no shit. I wish other domain registries operated in this way. If I buy a domain that I want to hold for life, I don’t want people bothering me randomly with offers to buy my site. If I want to sell, I’ll post my domain on a marketplace.

So, if you want that kind of peace of mind, consider Tonic’s amazing services. You’ll see throughout their FAQ that they’re very concerned with giving you a hassle-free experience. That seems to be their top priority.

Don’t Fuck Up
Tonic might be trying to give you a completely hassle-free experience, but that doesn’t mean they endorse monkey business. They are very adamant about the fact that they will never support spam sites. If you’re trying to set up a bulk spam site, you will absolutely not get far with them. They will literally take away your domain. They’ll warn you first, but if you keep violating their terms of service, you’re out, bucko. Don’t fuck up this amazing offer, seriously.

Another thing to keep in mind is that they allow you to enter any Unicode character in your domain, but if they notice that you’re trying to pass as another website using a homonym, they will ban you. So, if you’re trying to be the next Google by replacing the O’s with zeroes, that’s going to be a no-go, Joe. Basically, don’t break the law and don’t be a dick. These are conditions anyone can live with, I believe.

Tonic and the nation of Tonga have both done a great job to meet you halfway and give you an amazing, hard to refuse offer for some primo domain registering. You could migrate your entire digital empire to Tonga or start there from scratch. Either way, you know that you won’t have any problems with DMCA and your privacy will be perfectly protected. So, play by the rules, get yourself a neat little Tonga domain with Tonic and enjoy the privileges that only come with off-shore hosting.

Relevant Navigation

No comments

No comments...